future plans

I am officially going to be a social retard. I need to focus on keeping a 3.8 gpa senior year. I'm betting on this & it's like the biggest gamble of my life. I admit, I am expecting the worst but I just can't face reality and take the hit by 100%. I'm only seeing things 40% & thinking i'm way above my real reality height. I know my future is bright, I know I will succeed, it's just the process there is such a big gamble. It's confusing and I constantly change my mind and for once I'm the one calling the shots. It's my future and this time I'm the one directing it which is the scariest and hardest part. I need more time to think, but then life doesn't give you enough time to think. I hope i have things figured out soon tho, & I need that drive and determination. I know i have it, i'm just worried i might run out of it in the future.

Besides that, birthday's coming up. Big 18 ! Idk what i'm doing yet, I want something small that's fersure. Just a real chill small thing with the bests. I just want to have a good time with those who make me smile on a daily basis. On another note, I need ideas. I know everyone goes all big on 18 or does something reckless, but i'm not planning on any of that this year. I guess I have changed big time, and even though I don't admit it, it's to hard to ignore. I see it and I am reminded by the decisions I make. I maybe missing the time of my life, but I really don't care, as long as I'm doing something that i'm proud of our happy, I think i've satisfy 95% of my expectations. It's funny though, I dont feel like i'm going to be by law an "adult". I'm not an adult, i'm still youngin' & i have alot to learn.